


Ascertain

by starrylitme



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Dangan Ronpa Zero, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Porn, Budding Love, Character Death, Developing Relationship, Doctor/Patient, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fingerfucking, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Living Together, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Minor Injuries, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Sex, Shameless Smut, Therapy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-14 20:45:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15397095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrylitme/pseuds/starrylitme
Summary: Certainly he knew that it was pretty dangerous to keep Matsuda Yasuke so close.He’s disgusting. He knows he is. He really does mean to just help Yasuke because Yasukedeservesit. Because Yasuke is important. So very, very important.(AU where Matsuda moves in with Komaeda after Junko passes so that he can better pay for funeral expenses. Their relationship just gets more complicated from there, especially after they sleep together. This was supposed to just be porn and then it got plot-heavy. Goddammit.)





	Ascertain

**Author's Note:**

> So apparently when I write something that's meant to be purely indulgent, it gets really fucking elaborately indulgent. Figures.
> 
> Anyway. So this is a thing now.
> 
> I guess it's a more in-depth exploration of potential MatsuKoma (because that's all MatsuKoma will ever be, sob sob) or just...a weird kind of introspection on this relationship. In general? I guess? I really, really don't know.
> 
> I'll be honest I'm pretty sure I was fucking out of it while writing like, 90% of this. I think you can tell. It's pretty messy.
> 
> Enjoy. :P

Certainly, he often questioned the validity of this kind of happiness.

_I know I certainly don’t deserve any of it, but..._

But it’s quite the lovely night out. The sky is a canvas awash of dark blues and specks of luminous whites. Past the shroud surrounding them, that fuzzy, beautiful world feels more like an enclosed paradise. Indeed, like this, the sensations of their lovemaking overshadow and override everything else from the rustling of the curtains to the chillness of the air in contrast to the heat between their bodies.

It’s quite the lovely night out.

But Yasuke looks so much lovelier above him, pale cheeks stained with blush, long raven lashes fluttering, with the clear blue of his irises shimmering from desire. Yasuke who swears so colorfully as he clenches around his cock, a coy smile playing on his lips as Yasuke scowls at him.

“Fucking prick.”

He can only laugh.

“Well, yes.”

* * *

Certainly, there were lovely nights where Yasuke was more melancholy than usual. Even with his ice blue eyes downcast and his body slumped, Nagito still found him unbearably beautiful.

“Are you thinking about her again, Yasuke?”

He cuddles up against him, squeezing. Yasuke stiffens briefly and sighs, taking his hand and squeezing back.

His heart leaps for a moment, but Yasuke is slumped like a marionette with its strings cut. Nagito hates that. He _hates_ her.

But he loves Yasuke so very, very much.

He kisses Yasuke’s nape and then down his spine. Yasuke’s breathing hitches for a moment, and then, he relaxes even as Nagito’s finger roam his abdomen.

“...it was a good thing she died,” Yasuke mutters it so lowly that he wouldn’t have heard if he wasn’t so close. These words only make him press closer and he hangs onto each and every one. “I know that, I do, I just... Urgh...”

 _I wish I killed her._ Nagito thinks, and he kisses Yasuke’s jaw. Then he carefully rolls Yasuke over so that he can straddle his hips. _I wish I strangled her with my own hands._

But he hadn’t, and perhaps, that’s for the better.

After all, it’s with these hands that he touches and loves Yasuke. Especially now. At times like this.

“Yasuke...”

Yasuke is all too accepting of his kiss.

Certainly, he’s as grateful as he is unworthy.

* * *

To understand, one needs to know the beginning and every important plot point afterwards.

Matsuda Yasuke was one of the best doctors in the country, and one of the youngest. Matsuda Yasuke was also his classmate. Someone who frequented the library as often as he did.

And Nagito had fallen in love at first sight, despite what people may think.

Yasuke had tolerated him—a rarity amongst his peers—but Yasuke also never looked at him with worthless pity when he was sitting on the patient’s bed with a blank smile. Yasuke only looked him over, took notes, and made a few crass remarks.

It was funny, cute even, how fiery Yasuke was in their school days. He had always been haphazardly dressed, yes, but he was very diligent. Very hardworking. Very thorough in his reports and in the protocols and procedures. It was easy to see why Yasuke was considered a genius in the field.

Yasuke had so much expectation and hope riding on his hunched shoulders. And Yasuke—

Well, Yasuke was already broken.

Especially with that hateful girl always hanging off of him, always chattering poison into his ear, always laughing with a sharp-toothed smile, always pushing up against him.

Nagito hated her. He really, really hated her so much that it was almost a shock that it was her who taught him just how passionate and blinding hatred could _be_.

He hated her and then, just like that, she died.

And Yasuke fell apart.

* * *

It was an accident. Nothing more than a freak accident. Yasuke identified the body, swallowed, and then made funeral arrangements because her sister went missing a week ago and her parents were out of the picture. Yasuke, with the future of medicine riding on his hunching shoulders, handles everything necessary for this funeral.

All while breaking to pieces.

Funerals are expensive. Cremation is expensive. Graves are expensive. Medical school is expensive. Student loans are expensive. Materials are expensive. Rent is expensive.

Yasuke stays up late, and when Nagito approached him to drape a blanket over those hunching shoulders, Yasuke’s voice is barely above a whisper.

“I’m going to have to move.”

Nagito blinks. Yasuke hunches even more on himself.

“I can’t... I can’t afford all this.”

Yasuke buries his face into his arms and begins to shake.

“What do I do? What am I supposed to fucking _do_?”

Yasuke falls into what seems to be a state of utter despair. And Nagito rubs his back, presses up against him, and murmurs into his ear.

“You can just stay with me, Matsuda-kun.”

* * *

Certainly, he had always known he loved Yasuke. Certainly, he had always known he hated her. All that said, he never knew how to feel about Kamukura Izuru.

A coworker and acquaintance of Yasuke’s, Kamukura Izuru was another genius in the field. His hair was long and dark, often neatly tied back. His eyes were a piercing red. He was very cold. Very aloof.

Right now, Kamukura Izuru is helping Nagito pack Yasuke’s things. He is nothing short of courteous, and yet, Nagito feels unnerved by him.

“I... There’s enough room in my house,” he says, just to fill up the dead space. “I’m thinking of having Yasuke stay in the guest room by the kitchen. I know how he loves to snack, aha. Or should he have the room on the second floor, with the balcony? I could ask him but he’s...busy.”

Yasuke was very, very busy. Very exhausted, too. He can’t imagine bothering Yasuke about such things at a time like this.

Even though Kamukura Izuru seems incredibly disinterested to the point where it’s discouraging.

Nagito struggles a bit with carrying a particular box, and Kamukura Izuru swoops in to take it from him. Rather than grateful, he just feels frustrated.

He never knew how to feel towards Kamukura Izuru. But he’s certain that at the very least, he dislikes him.

At the _very_ least.

Then, Kamukura Izuru speaks up.

“Matsuda-san would prefer the room by the kitchen.”

Nagito froze briefly, but quickly smiles.

“Ah, as I thought.”

Then, Kamukura Izuru turns on him.

“What are your intentions with him, Komaeda Nagito? Do you intend to take advantage of Matsuda-san’s fragile emotional state?”

There is iciness in that crimson gaze.

“Is _that_ the reason for your generosity?”

“I...” He hesitates. “No, I... I just want to help Matsuda-kun because...he deserves it. He’s been so kind to me, after all. And he’s a good person. A good doctor. He does not deserve to have his life just fall apart over some wretch’s freak death.”

Kamukura Izuru blinks at him slowly, and then he nods.

“I agree. Matsuda-san does not deserve that.” A pause. “I still do not trust your intentions, Komaeda Nagito, but do not misunderstand. I am not going to interfere considering at the end of the day, you are giving Matsuda-san a place to stay. He would not accept the same offer from myself, but you... You have money to burn.”

He says it so lightly, as if the fact is something insignificant like a bug. It might as well be with how insignificant a person Nagito knows he is. He still smiles to brush it off.

“Matsuda-kun is lucky to have such a caring friend.”

He means that, at least. Even though he gets no response from Kamukura Izuru, the other simply turning away with a flip of his hair as he takes Yasuke’s boxes to the moving truck. Meekly, Nagito can only follow after him.

Yasuke’s old apartment gets all the colder the emptier it gets.

* * *

“Christ, your house is insane, Komaeda.”

“Ehe, your room’s down this way, Matsuda-kun. The kitchen is a bit further down. I stocked the pantry recently, so if you’re hungry, feel free to help yourself!”

“Wow. I might actually just fall in love with you at this rate.”

His heart leaps. His cheeks pink.

“A-Aha, that... That’s quite the joke, Matsuda-kun... Your sense of humor’s still so cutting...!” He needs to keep himself from shaking, he needs to get himself together. If he has a panic attack now, it’ll be unnecessarily added stress on Yasuke. He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t _want_ that. “Anyway, the bathroom’s right here... And the laundry room... The television room is on the other side. There’s mostly bookshelves, aha. More of those upstairs. My bedroom is up there as well as another guest room, just...y’know...”

“I don’t, actually.”

“Ahaha... Right...”

Despite that, Yasuke is attentive as always, observing the interior of his home so closely that it’s a little embarrassing. He’s glad, however, that Yasuke seems content with everything he sees. It’s a keenly felt relief.

“Is it to your liking, at least, Matsuda-kun?”

“I’m just staying here,” Yasuke said. “This isn’t really my house. So my opinion doesn’t _really_ matter.”

“I...” Nagito blinks. “I-I see...”

It hurts a little. How strange. How silly.

“I haven’t lived with another person in years,” Yasuke added. “So this is gonna be just a little weird.”

“That’s fine,” Nagito replied. “It’s the same for me. It’ll definitely take some getting used to, but, if it’s Matsuda-kun, I really don’t mind. Take as long as you want to settle in.”

Yasuke shrugs.

“Mm... Kay. Anyway, what kind of books do you have?”

“Ooh, all kinds!”

“Does that include...manga?”

“I... Oh... Yes, but...not much... I have some light novels, but...”

“Fucking _ew_. We might have some problems.”

“Um...” He feels cold sweat gather on his nape. “I have some gaming systems, too. And a respectable collection. The issue is that my tastes are a little, ah, niche... They’re mostly mystery games. The occasional mystery horror. Oh, nothing with serial killers though. No serial killer horror anywhere.”

Yasuke raises an eyebrow.

“S-Sorry...”

“It’s whatever. I was just thinking.” Another rolling shrug of his shoulders. “This really is just too much space, even for both of us. Fucking hell. There aren’t any paintings or pictures.”

“Ah, yeah... Those tend to just get knocked over...” Nagito fiddles with his fingers. “And I don’t really...have any pictures worth keeping up aside from the ones at my parents’ shrine. I’m really unsightly, after all.”

“Your face is no uglier than your brain,” Yasuke said. “And your personality.”

Nagito laughs at that.

“I suppose that’s true. Still, it’s not a pretty face. Not like Matsuda-kun’s.”

Yasuke stiffened, cheeks reddening.

“...pardon?”

“Ah, sorry,” he says, smiling lightly. “It must be weird to hear a guy compliment you like that. But it is true.”

Yasuke eyed him sharply and suspiciously.

“...let me just show you around the rest of the house, okay?”

Yasuke’s frown deepened.

“Kay.”

* * *

Yasuke’s new room is bigger, and that’s clear from how much space there is even after Yasuke has unpacked all his things. Yasuke is looking around, sucking in his breath, and cursing quietly.

“I... Is it not any good?” Nagito asks tentatively.

“It’s just...a bit much,” Yasukie hissed. “What does any ‘ _guest’_ need all this space for?”

He says the word like it’s something filthy.

“I don’t...really know. This is just the house I bought...” Nagito doesn’t say about how the previous one—his parents’ house was far, far bigger. So much so that he felt like he’d get swallowed up. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for being so inadequate, Matsuda-kun.”

Yasuke waves his hand.

“Whatever. I should just be fucking grateful, right? Like, not many people would just give up space in their house, even if they had more than enough of it.”

“Matsuda-kun needs this space more than I do,” Nagito mumbles. “So this really is the least I can do, especially when you’ve been taking care of me. It’s, ah, really nothing.”

“Nothing,” Yasuke repeats and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, there’s a fuck ton of _nothing_ in here.”

Nagito nods.

“...is it any good?”

“It’s serviceable, to be sure,” Yasuke said, sitting back atop the bed. “Oh. Plush. This is one of those mattresses that’s good for the back and spine, right?”

“Yeah, it should be,” Nagito said, nodding again. “My posture isn’t the best, so...”

Yasuke was quiet, running his hand over the creases in the blanket contemplatively. His shoulders slump. Nagito perks up.

“What’s the catch?”

“Ah, huh?”

“What’s the catch?” Yasuke asked, scowling. “You don’t offer this much to someone without expecting _something_ in return. I know you’ve got a half-baked brain in there, but that doesn’t make you completely innocent, Komaeda Nagito.”

“I... I... Um...”

Yasuke’s gaze is as piercing as Kamukura Izuru’s. He trembles briefly, wrapping his arms around himself.

“A... As I’ve told Kamukura-kun, it’s just because Matsuda-kun deserves it... And because Matsuda-kun’s been so kind... And Matsuda-kun is struggling.”

“Komaeda,” Yasuke said, lowly and irritably. “I’m not the greatest person. I don’t _deserve_ all this.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Nagito murmured. “Matsuda-kun works very hard. So shouldn’t your efforts be rewarded?”

“That’s...usually not how life works, though,” Yasuke said, irritation increasing. Then, he shook his head, sighing. “Oh, what the hell am I even bitching about? You’re giving me space in your fucking ridiculously spacious house. That’s not even much to you, is it?”

“It’s the least I could do,” he reiterated.

Yasuke only sighed.

“Yeah...fucking figures... _urgh_ , rich people...” He rubs at his temples. “All that said, thanks... I guess.”

Nagito lights up.

“I-I’m glad!”

It hurt a little that Yasuke wouldn’t look at him directly, as if he were a disgusting bug on the ground, but, but, but, _but_ —he really was happy!

That happiness, at least, was genuine. How could he _not_ be happy helping out someone so talented, so wonderful, and so _important_?

Yasuke still wouldn’t look at him.

But that was okay. He didn’t deserve to be looked at.

_I’m happy just to be near him._

* * *

Living together had come with all kinds of growing pains. For one thing, Yasuke would sometimes just do paperwork and make calls at the table, a pile of snacks nearby for him to munch on in the midst of it. And no pants.

Nagito swallowed, worthless heartbeat stuttering, and respectfully refrained from saying anything.

“Yes, Kamukura, I have the files sorted out. You can pick them up later.”

Nagito simply remained quiet, doing his best to be ignorable as he hooked up the coffee maker. He wondered, idly, if Yasuke preferred soda to coffee. It was possible.

“Yeah, things are going alright over here. Why do you ask?”

He does his best to remain quiet, even as he shudders at the sensation of Yasuke’s icy blue gaze sweeping over his back. Ah, he needed to focus, he needed to focus.

“Are you worried about me? Gross. Unless you’re just worried because you don’t want to be the only one stuck with all the shitty paperwork and tedium. That’s exactly why, isn’t it? Urgh, you’re such a dick.”

_He really needed to focus!_

“Yeah, yeah, sure. Anyway, things are fine. They’re fan-fucking-tastic, actually. I bet you’re jealous. Maybe when I die in a freak accident, Komaeda will let you have my room and you can live the life.”

_Splash!_

Nagito yelped and Yasuke jumped at the sound.

“What the—?!” At the sight of Nagito’s arm burning red, Yasuke cursed and acted quickly. “Hold _on_!”

He could’ve been talking to Kamukura Izuru. He could’ve been talking to Nagito. It didn’t really matter because before Nagito could even really think, Yasuke had yanked him to the sink and ran icy cold water over his burn. He flinches, and Yasuke sighs heavily.

“For fuck’s sake, be more careful,” he growled. “Getting burned by your morning coffee is one of the stupidest fucking ways to get injured, Komaeda.”

Nagito winces, but he tries to laugh it off.

“A-Ahaha, sorry, sorry, I just... I got distracted... You really shouldn’t say stuff like that so easily. Kamukura-kun is brilliant, obviously, but Matsuda-kun’s very important...” He trails off. “So, dying in a freak accident...for someone like you... That would just be despairing.”

“Yeah?” Yasuke was unimpressed as he treated his burn. He pulled out the first aid kit that Nagito kept under the sink. “Well, I guess you’re right. The world would be shittier with one less competent doctor in it.”

“R- _Right_?!” Nagito gasped. “That’s exactly right!”

Yasuke applies ointment, making him flinch again.

“Although... I have to wonder just how competent I really am... I’m a mess of a human being.”

“That’s definitely not true.” He shook his head firmly. “Matsuda-kun is incredible. A pillar.”

Yasuke’s eyes raise. This close up, he can see just how dark the shadows beneath those eyes are—how gaunt the cheeks. Blinking a few times furiously, Nagito reaches up with his good hand, but quickly dropped it when he realized just what he was about to do.

 _S-So impertinent!_ He thought, blushing furiously as he turned away in self-revulsion.

Yasuke bandaged up his arm. And then, Yasuke ruffled his hair.

“You’re really not a bad kid,” he says.

Nagito blinks up at him, wide-eyed.

“...we’re the same age?”

“Yeah, but you’re way more immature,” Yasuke said, pinching his cheek and earning a squeal. “I’m nowhere near as innocent as you are, Komaeda Nagito.”

“E-Ehhhh?! No way!”

“Yeah.” Yasuke stuck his tongue out. Nagito balked.

“Matsuda-kun is _definitely_ immature!”

“Nah. Nyeh.”

“T-That’s so unsightly for a doctor!”

“Nyeeeeh.”

“Stooooop!”

“Kay.” Just like that, Yasuke turned and returned to the table. “I’ve kept Kamukura waiting long enough.”

Just like that, he resumed the call and got right back to business. Nagito watched, and remembered his coffee.

It had been colder and, strangely, much more bitter than before.

* * *

Yasuke had much to do, much to arrange, so he often fell asleep at the table. Just as before, Nagito drapes a blanket over him each and every time.

Sometimes, he shivers in his sleep, mumbling something incoherent, face twisting up in distress. Nagito brushed his hair back, and then shook him awake.

“Ah...huh?”

Yasuke would stir, blink at him blearily a few times as if he saw right through him. And then, as if he didn’t exist, he would return to sorting paperwork with a sigh and a yawn.

Even as his chest ached, Nagito would just smile sadly and prepare him a cup of tea to help.

Yasuke would mutter words of thanks, and that was enough. That was fine.

* * *

“...hey, the funeral’s gonna be on Thursday.”

Nagito perks up, barely registering the slurred words.

“Can I...ask for a favor, Komaeda?”

Nagito turns to him, smiles, and nods.

“Can you get...two bottles?” Yasuke holds up two fingers. “Two bottles of the strongest shit you can find. And a bottle of painkillers. I just... I’m really gonna need that after everything’s said and done.”

“Okay, Matsuda-kun.” His smile doesn’t even twitch. “You’ll have to drink it all, though, aha. I can’t drink. My medicine wouldn’t agree.”

“Yeah, I know.” Yasuke nods. “No worries. Not a single drop of that shit is gonna go to waste.”

“Okay. I believe you.”

_...just two bottles should be fine. Just two..._

“Is there anything else, Matsuda-kun?”

Yasuke hums monotonously.

“I should buy groceries. I should...do fucking something to justify you housing my miserable ass.”

“Oh, Matsuda-kun,” Nagito sighs, smile faint. “You really don’t have to...”

“I’m thinking of cooking dinner tonight,” Yasuke says, looking up at him unblinkingly. “What are you in the mood for? Curry, maybe?”

_Ah... Aha..._

“W... Whatever’s fine...?”

“Kay.” Yasuke yawned. “I’ll try and cook for you more often, alright? I mean, this is one thing I can do for you. You’re a fucking hazard at a juice stand.”

“You remember that...?”

“Pretty fucking hard to forget lard juice.”

Nagito ducked his head in embarrassment.

“So, yeah,” Yasuke went on. “You have a nice kitchen. It’d be a waste if _someone_ didn’t use it.”

“If you insist,” Nagito said quietly. “But I don’t mind ordering out, either.”

“Of course you don’t.” Yasuke sighed. “But you need to manage your diet better, yeah? You’re already so thin like a twig, Komaeda.”

He shrugs meekly.

“I can cook alright. So don’t worry, okay?”

“Okay.”

Yasuke’s cooking was the very definition of ‘alright’ as it later turned out. But it was certainly still something that Nagito ended up crying about at the table, much to Yasuke’s shock and worry. He only cried more when Yasuke tried to scrub his face with a handkerchief.

* * *

Certainly, he had known that...it was pretty dangerous to keep Matsuda Yasuke so close.

He had liked Matsuda Yasuke from the start. And the close proximity only served to intensify those feelings, especially with the ease that Yasuke settled within his home. Already, Yasuke’s room was characteristically disorganized. Already, Yasuke knew his way around by instinct.

Already Yasuke was washing his sheets with a disgruntled look. And Nagito couldn’t help but really _think_ about that.

He’s disgusting. He knows he is. He really does mean to just help Yasuke because Yasuke _deserves_ it. Because Yasuke is important. So very, very important.

But, certainly, it’d be a lie to say there wasn’t a sickening edge of self-indulgence to it, too.

Especially now. At this moment, where he can’t help but jerk off to the thought of Yasuke masturbating under _his_ roof.

“Hah...”

It’s disgusting. It’s really, really disgusting.

_(How would Matsuda Yasuke do it? Practiced and precise like he would perform a surgery?)_

“H-Hah, ah...!”

_(Maybe rougher and sloppier. Would he curl in on himself, would he arch?)_

“M... Mm...!”

_(Matsuda Yasuke was fair. Pretty. So pretty, unlike Nagito’s pasty, sickly self.)_

“M-Matsuda-kun...”

_(...did he think of anyone as he...?)_

“M- _Matsuda-kun_...!”

Ah. _Aha_. It got all over his hand.

He really, really was so disgusting.

* * *

Disgusting. Disgusting. Certainly disgusting.

“Enoshima Junko...”

His insides are seizing with disgust, and he bites his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. His eyes burn with tears. If anyone’s staring, he doesn’t care.

“She was certainly quite the character, that’s for damn sure.”

Yasuke’s voice is low and careful, and it slices through him.

“She was wild, passionate, erratic... Definitely one of a kind. It just—doesn’t seem right that someone like her would just...just die like that.”

If a meteor struck this place right here. Right now. Would that _really_ be so bad?

Even now, he can hear that hateful girl laughing at him. Even now, he can see her wrapped around Yasuke. He hates it. He hates it. He _hates_ her.

“...honestly...”

Yasuke shrugs.

“She wasn’t the greatest person. Uh, in fact, she was one of the worst people...ever.”

Murmurs. Nagito’s nails bite into his thighs, he can see red. Red like her nails.

“The world’s really going to be different without her around.”

Her presence is suffocating.

* * *

It’s suitably sunny out. Vibrantly blue, just like the hateful girl’s eyes.

Yasuke has already run off and hid somewhere. Nagito stumbles across him due to pure luck and no other reason.

“...Matsuda-kun.” He’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel. All kinds of emotions are swirling around in his gut in a maelstrom. All he really knows is that he doesn’t really trust himself to be around other people crying over that hateful, hateful girl. And, yet. “Matsuda-kun, are you okay?”

Yasuke isn’t crying, but his eyes are frightfully dull.

“...no. Not particularly.”

“Kamukura-kun’s going to worry about you,” Nagito says, even as to himself, the words are lost in the maelstrom. “Or...do you want to go home?”

“Home sounds great, actually.” A pause. “But... I need to see things through. I can’t...just heap this shit onto someone else.”

“...why not?”

The question slips out. But Yasuke just sighs.

“Because... I knew Junko better than anyone else. And anyone else would just screw that up. Which would make her despair in the afterlife, probably.”

Yasuke pushes himself up, dusting off his slacks, still with those vacant eyes.

It’s okay. Nagito doesn’t feel like he’s all there either. He feels as if he’s watching everything being projected in front of him. He doesn’t even feel the smile that touches his lips.

“Okay. Let’s return, then.”

He extends his hand. Yasuke takes it.

He doesn’t feel that, either. But, certainly, he’s sure that Yasuke’s hand was warm.

* * *

Everything else about the funeral went fine. Impeccably, in fact. If she could have seen, she would’ve been considerably bored.

The thought isn’t as welcoming as it should be. But, for now, Nagito is just glad that it’s over.

The car ride back is awkward, of course, with Kamukura Izuru driving both of them. There’s no music playing. No one is talking. It’s suffocating, but at least Nagito doesn’t feel like he’s being slowly poisoned.

Like at the funeral.

Certainly, he’s been through much worse.

He’s tired. He’s very tired. He can’t imagine how Yasuke must feel. And like this, situated in the backseat, he can’t really tell, either, what Yasuke’s expression is. Just that Yasuke is slumped to the side. He could be sleeping. He could be thinking.

There’s just no way to know for sure other than to speak up.

And...he just can’t muster up the strength to do that. So Nagito continues to bite his tongue and remain quiet through the whole ordeal.

_At least the funeral itself is over._

And yet, her presence still clings to the recesses of his mind like scum on a shoe.

Nagito picks at the scars on the inside of his cheek until they bleed between his teeth.

They arrive at his house. Specifically the gate. Nagito parrots the keycode to the gate, the taste of blood still staining his tongue. Kamukura Izuru inputs the code and pulls up to the front door.

“We’re here,” he drones.

“Stunning observation skills,” Yasuke drones in return.

“Thank you for the ride, Kamukura-kun,” Nagito says with a small, shy smile as he shuts the door.

“Matsuda-san,” Kamukura Izuru says, ignoring Nagito as if he were an irksome fly. “Do not do anything stupid.”

Yasuke scowled at that. Nagito thought, for a moment, of grabbing his arm.

His nails dig into his palms.

“I mean it,” Kamukura Izuru said, gaze intense. Yasuke waves him off with a hand.

“Because you jinxed it, the likelihood of me doing something stupid has increased by about 67.8%. Think about that shit next time before saying it,” he huffs. “Anyway, see ya later, Kamukura. Come on, Komaeda.”

“R-Right away, Matsuda-kun!”

“Have a nice night,” Kamukura Izuru called out in a dull, droning voice that wasn’t very nice at all.

In the cold evening air, Nagito shivered and rubbed at his arms, hands still throbbing.

“Let’s make good use of those bottles,” Yasuke mutters lowly. Nagito can only nod.

* * *

This moment had been the true start of it.

It began with a couple of shots. Nagito poured them out for Yasuke. But Yasuke just seemed to get twitchier and surlier, and it wasn’t long before he took a swung of the bottle himself.

Nagito refrained from saying anything about formalities. Yasuke wiped his mouth off with a harsh glower at nothing in particular.

“It’s fucking bullshit, y’know,” he slurs. “Her just, just dying like that. After everything. After fucking _everything_...”

“Yes,” Nagito agrees. “It is rather ridiculous.”

_It’s despairing, almost._

Yasuke sputters on his curses.

“Dammit...! Dammit, dammit, _dammit_...!”

Nagito rubs his back.

“Now what the hell am I supposed to do? Just what—what am I supposed to _do_?”

“Mm, live, maybe?”

Yasuke glares at him so harshly as if looks could kill. He shudders with apprehension and excitement. But just like that, Yasuke falters, and then, Yasuke’s eyes are brimming with tears.

“Am I just supposed to live for my own sake?”

“Ah...” Nagito’s breath catches. “You should live for everyone’s sake, Matsuda-kun. You’re a doctor, after all.”

Yasuke sniffled, rubbing at his nose and gritting his teeth.

“It’s bullshit...such _bullshit_...”

Nagito offers his handkerchief for Yasuke to blow on. He does.

“It’s better that she’s dead,” Nagito says. “Now Matsuda-kun isn’t being held back.”

Yasuke shudders, and then, his lashes flutter and lower.

“...what,” he says, voice flat. “Aren’t you saying that because you hated her?”

“I definitely hated her.” Nagito would never deny that. “But, in regards to what’s better for Matsuda-kun’s sake...”

Yasuke snorted, sipping at the second bottle.

“My sake. _Mine_. Hey, Komaeda, you _like_ me, right?”

The clock is ticking. Nagito blinks.

“Yes, of course.” He would never deny that, either. “Matsuda-kun is an incredible individual. I... Of course I like him.”

“That’s not what I mean and you know it.”

Yasuke scoots close to him. Yasuke is warm and flushed from the alcohol.

“You _like_ me,” Yasuke slurs. “So much so that you’ve jerked it over me. _Right_?”

“I...”

It’s a cold night out. It’s cold, and Yasuke leans in.

“It’s alright,” Yasuke whispers lowly. “I definitely like you a lot more than I should, too.”

It’s cold. Yasuke is warm. Flushed. From the alcohol.

“And, hey, it’s not like cooking for you every now and then is really _adequate_ payment for all you’ve provided, right?”

_Ah, Matsuda-kun’s lashes are long._

They’re close enough to count.

_Ah, Matsuda-kun’s eyes really are...so beautiful._

The blue of them is darker than usual.

Likely from the alcohol.

“I don’t _want_ payment.” The words burst out. “I just... I just wanted to support you. To be a stepping stone. I... I know that, sickeningly, there’s a part of me that’s glad I get to be so close to you. I know that. It’s sickening! Horrifying! But, please... Please don’t pay it any mind... I don’t need anything like that... I don’t want it...” Nagito shakes his head. “I just want you to _shine_ , Matsuda-kun.”

Yasuke blinks at him. And, then.

“Nagito.”

The world stops.

“You really are sweet.”

Yasuke’s lips press against his. It’s a bitter, bitter taste. But Yasuke’s arms encircle his waist, Yasuke’s hands run up and down his back. It’s warm. Yasuke smells so, so very _sweet_.

Nagito melts in a heartbeat, making a soft sound that just incites the other more.

Yasuke grips his rump and squeezes. He pulls back with a sharp exhale.

“...fuck. Let’s take this to my room.”

Nagito nods helplessly, reaching out and wrapping his arms around Yasuke’s neck.

“Matsuda-kun...”

“If we’re going to do this, you need to switch to my first name, Nagito, fucking _Christ_.”

Nagito swallows.

“Y... Yasuke...”

The taste of the name was even stranger than the alcohol-laden kiss. But it’s nonetheless one he wants to try again.

“Ya _suke_.”

“Come on, Nagito,” Yasuke murmured lowly, pulling him in and hoisting him up with a bit of a stumble. He wasn’t so drunk that he couldn’t retain his balance. “Let’s get going.”

“Okay, Yasuke.”

* * *

Their clothes are strewn across the floor. It’s dark. The cold air nips their skin the way Yasuke nips at his nape. It’s warm. So warm, especially with Yasuke’s fingers spreading him open.

It hurts a little, but Nagito just moans and mewls, squirming and pressing back against those thrusting fingers.

“A-Ah... Ahh... Y-Yasuke...!”

“And you’re _sure_ you haven’t done this before?” Yasuke groans. “Fuck, you’re greedy. You, uh, really like me, huh...”

“I... I...” Tears sting his eyes. He buries his face but raises his ass. “S-Sorry...”

“It’s okay. It’s not like I haven’t done stuff while thinking about you.” Yasuke clumsily wipes his tears away, kissing his cheek. “Just, _fuck_ , just bear with me, alright? I haven’t...done anything like this either. With someone else.”

Nagito shudders as the fingers inside of him curl.

“Fuck... _Fuck_. It’s really, really hot, Nagito. It might burn my dick off.” Yasuke’s tone suggested he wasn’t entirely opposed to that. “Huh... Huh...”

His fingers pull out. Nagito whines.

“Yasuke... Yasuke, _please_...”

“G... Got it.”

He can hear Yasuke slick himself up with lubricant. He can hear Yasuke clumsily wipe his hand off on the sheets. Yasuke’s hand is still cold as it grips his hip. If he turned his head, would he be able to see Yasuke positioning his cock?

He bites down on a mouthful of pillow. Once again, he can feel the clear blue of Yasuke’s gaze sweeping over his back. Taking him in.

_Someone like me..._

Yasuke pushes in slowly, grunting as he does. It burns. It _burns_ , having his body being penetrated, and yet it’s so, _so_ —

He’s drooling around the pillow as Yasuke’s chest presses against his back.

“Nagito.” Yasuke’s breath is hot against his ear. “How are ya feeling?”

**_Indescribable._ **

_I had never even dared to dream that things could get this far._

He moans lowly, letting himself bask in the sensation of being filled by the person he’s loved for _years_ now. It still burns a little, but above all else, it’s so _warm_.

Yasuke is stroking his hip. Yasuke shivers a bit.

“It’s fucking _tight_ ,” he hisses. “And so, so _hot_.” Yasuke takes a deep breath. “Ah. Okay. Is it alright if I move? Or...do you wanna wait...?”

He doesn’t trust himself to speak so he just nods helplessly.

Yasuke curses under his breath.

“Fuck. Okay. Okay.” He pulls out slowly and then thrusts back in. Nagito jerks, nearly seeing stars for a moment, and Yasuke repeats the motions.

“Ah... Ah, ah, ah...!” He practically spits out the pillow. He nearly chokes. “Y-Yasuke...!”

Certainly, he knew what was happening on the most basic level.

The smacking of skin, the rutting of their bodies.

Yasuke fucking him into the sheets, grunting and cursing and groaning his name.

Himself, writhing and whining, his insides clenching around Yasuke’s cock as it buries itself deep within, crying out Yasuke’s name whenever Yasuke struck a certain bundle of nerves.

Yasuke, being incited by this, angling his hips to hit that spot over and over. Groaning lowly into Nagito’s ear, nipping at the sensitive love. Murmuring. “That’s it, _that’s it_.”

Sharp.

Precise.

Yasuke manipulated his body with such _ease_. Just like that, Yasuke reduced him to a mindless wreck.

“Y-Yasuke! Yasuke, Yasuke, _Yasuke_!”

“That’s it.”

“Y-Yasuke...! I... I...” His breath hitches on a sob. “I-I love...”

“Come on,” Yasuke grumbled to him, slamming inside and shattering his thoughts into sparkling pieces. “Come on, Nagito, come _on_.”

“I-I love you...!”

Everything, everything fell to pieces once he came, dirtying the sheets further, only vaguely registering Yasuke’s low, low moan. Yasuke spills inside him. Everything was blinding and radiant. Sparkling.

When he comes back to, he’s nothing more than mush on the sheets, slick with sweat and cum. Cum that trickles down his thigh as Yasuke pulls out with a wet squelch. Yasuke collapses beside him, panting, thoughtlessly ruffling Nagito’s hair. Like he’s a dog that performed a neat trick.

He can’t really think about that. He can’t really think at all. He’s fading fast, like all threads to his consciousness are being snipped, one after another.

“Ya...” His head spins. It hurts a little. He stops trying to think about what just happened. “Yasu...”

He can’t even register if Yasuke is saying anything. Anything at all. He just knows that Yasuke is still petting him. That’s all. That’s it.

Nagito’s eyelashes flutter and then fall. He’s out like a light.

Such is how it starts. Such is how it ends.

* * *

The next morning, he wakes up to different sheets and no one in the bed. He’s still dizzy and dazed as he pushes himself up. There’s a sharp pain in his rump that has him gasp and curl in on himself with a shudder.

He’s been cleaned off. Cleaned out. He’s even dressed in a shirt and boxer shorts. There’s not even a hint of last night’s rendezvous.

“M... Matsuda-kun...?” He calls out uncertainly. Anxiously. “Y-Yasuke?”

The washing machine is on. And then, there’s rapid-fire taps against the carpet. The door slams open.

“K-Komaeda?!”

Yasuke is panting, dressed in a wrinkled up shirt and pajama bottoms. Yasuke is looking wild-eyed and especially pale. Like he woke up in a cold sweat.

Or hungover.

“Shit... _Shit_...!” Yasuke rakes his fingers through his hair as he pads forward. “Uh, I should... I should. Fuck. One second.”

Just like that, he rushes out. He isn’t gone for long. He returns with a pill and a glass of water.

“Here, uh...” Yasuke puts the pill in one hand and the glass in the other. “Um. A painkiller. For your ass.”

Nagito blinks but pops the pill into his mouth and downs the water. He wipes his lips off with a soft groan.

“Mm... So last night wasn’t a dream after all...” He blinks at Yasuke blearily. “Ya... Um... Matsuda-kun. I’m sorry. I passed out.”

“Yeah. You did.” Yasuke bit his tongue. “Because. Of course. Your stamina is shit. Because. You’re _sick_.”

“Yeah...” He nods along. “Sorry...”

“You’re sick,” Yasuke repeated. “And I fucked you.”

It doesn’t hurt so much anymore. But the words still bring heat flooding to his cheeks.

“I... It felt really good.” _For my first time._ He didn’t even think he would _have_ a first time. “You cleaned me off too. And stripped the dirty sheets... So diligent, Matsuda-kun.” A pause. “So, when we fuck, we’ll use first names? Right?”

Yasuke’s hand slams down on the table, making him jump.

“A-Ah, uh, wrong, then?” _Was I mistaken?_ “Oh, was last night a one night stand? Is that it?”

“It was a mistake,” Yasuke hissed. “You’re fucking sick. I’m your _doctor_.”

“You were also drunk,” Nagito pointed out innocently. “Don’t blame yourself, Matsuda-kun. It’s not...”

“I’m _supposed_ to be the responsible one!” Yasuke yelled. “I’m _SUPPOSED_ to have my fucking head screwed on straight and not let my goddamn _dick_ get in the way of things! I know your brain is half decayed but _for fuck’s sake_ , Komaeda, how _hard_ is it to understand that I took complete advantage of you and just how fucking **_wrong_** that is of me?!”

Nagito blinks up at him. His head tilts.

“...if it’s you, I don’t mind...”

Yasuke looks stricken for a moment and he falls back, running his fingers through his hair and grinding his teeth in tearful frustration.

“...that just makes it worse. You shouldn’t feel like that.”

Nagito thought it over.

“Maybe it’s wrong, maybe you’re right. This wouldn’t...look good for your reputation, after all.”

“Like fucking _hell_ my reputation is the most pressing concern right now!” Yasuke shot back. “Komaeda, just... How do you actually _feel_?!”

Nagito blinks at him again.

“...I feel fine. But you don’t look fine, Matsuda-kun.” Shifting, he reaches out to touch Yasuke’s cheek. Just like that, Yasuke stiffens. Nagito’s frown deepens. “Lately, you’ve been so stressed... And maybe last night was just a means to vent, a way to emotionally cope. The hollower you are, the more you crave companionship.” A smile flickers across his lips. Small and faint. “I understand what that’s like, in the very least.”

Yasuke takes in a shuddering breath.

“That I can be of such use to you,” Nagito says, smile widening. “That really does make me so happy. I don’t regret last night at all. Especially since it was the first night I felt wanted in so long! It really was such a wonderful feeling!”

Yasuke grips his hand and squeezes.

“...Nagito...”

“Aha! You’re using my first name again!” Nagito’s eyes were sparkling. “Then, can I call you Yasuke once more? I really, really liked being able to call someone by their first name... Ehe, is that weird of me?”

Yasuke shakes his head sullenly, and then he reaches out and embraces him tightly.

“Well, we’ve been too fucking close for a while now,” he mutters almot bitterly as Nagito cheerily returns the hug. Yasuke huffs out a bitter laugh before pulling away. “I’m gonna go call Kamukura.”

Nagito blinks quickly, and then hurriedly speaks up.

“U-Um! I know I said that if it was you, it’s okay, but... I really would prefer you not tell Kamukura-kun about how we had sex! That’s just embarrassing, Yasuke!”

“I-I’m not going to tell him about that! Although the creepy fucker will probably figure that shit out eventually. Urgh.” Yasuke waved his hand. “It’s something else. I’m gonna have to cash in a major favor. One that I probably should’ve done a long-ass time ago.”

“Oh...” Nagito looks at him strangely. “What’s that?”

“You’ll see,” Yasuke said. “Either way, don’t worry about it. Stay in bed for now.”

“But Yasuke, you need to rest as well,” Nagito protested. “Especially with all the stress you’ve been through as of late.”

Yasuke pauses by the door.

“I’ll...” He tosses him a glance over his shoulder. “I’ll return and join you later. Don’t worry.”

Nagito brightens up and nods cheerfully.

“Okay!”

Just like that, Yasuke walked off. Nagito snuggled under the covers, making himself comfortable for Yasuke’s return.

Meanwhile, with just one little phone call, Yasuke wasn’t his doctor anymore.

* * *

“Do you regret that, Komaeda-kun?”

“I... It was...certainly the smarter option, yes...”

* * *

The relationship of lovers was unsurprisingly different of that between doctor and patient. But it also wasn’t terribly different from before, either.

Yasuke was still as comfortable as ever in his home, doing the chores, not always wearing a full set of clothes, cooking for the both of them, bantering with him.

The real significant difference was that the proximity had increased even more. And, sometimes, Yasuke would kiss him.

On the forehead. On the cheek. On the temple. On the lips.

Each one more chaste than the last.

In addition to that, they would often share the bed. It depended on Yasuke’s mood, really, which bed he’d rather be in. Nagito was happy either way.

This, too, was remarkably chaste.

It was undeniably pleasant, but also...frustrating.

Because. Even though Yasuke transferred his case, Yasuke still had much work to do, much paperwork to sort through. Sometimes, Yasuke would spend long hours at the clinic.

Kamukura Izuru had not really looked at Nagito since becoming his doctor. Not when he hadn’t needed to. Kamukura Izuru spoke to him in short, quick to the point statements with the usual protocol questions. But aside from acting like a doctor and nothing more, not even human, there was...nothing there. Nothing at all.

And Yasuke, despite being his lover, was so obviously retaining a sense of distance between them.

It was frustrating. Beyond frustrating.

* * *

_Because, to Yasuke, I’m still just a patient. A sick, helpless patient. Even if he doesn’t pity me, the way he acts is patronizing._

And, perhaps, he had the childish, impulsive desire to prove Yasuke wrong.

_Ironically, that impulse is another symptom of my sickness. Aha. Haha._

It was another cold night. Because of that, Yasuke is cuddled up under Nagito’s thick comforter, pressed up against him. But like this, they might as well be this close for practicality’s sake, not intimacy.

Irritably, Nagito presses closer against him, nuzzling into Yasuke’s neck. His leg hitches over Yasuke’s hip.

_He really is so warm._

Swallowing, Nagito tugs at Yasuke’s arm. Adjusts him so that his arms are wrapped around his waist. Instinctively, Yasuke squeezes him, murmuring something incoherent.

_This position is a little awkward._

He loops his arms around Yasuke’s neck. Yasuke sighs in his sleep. He can’t help but press a kiss to the slick corner of Yasuke’s semi-parted mouth. And then, a pause.

And then, he presses his lips to Yasuke’s, and slips his tongue inside.

It’s messy and strange, but Yasuke moans lowly at the sensations. He shudders as Nagito’s tongue brushes and rubs against his own, more so when Nagito sucks on it. His facial features pinch up, and just as Nagito pulls away, a strand of saliva still connecting their lips, Yasuke’s eyes flutter open.

“Na...gi...?”

Nagito kissed him again, just as deep and as needy as before. Yasuke kisses him back, fingers running through Nagito’s hair. It’s perfect. It’s wonderful.

With the way Nagito’s body is rubbing up against his own, Yasuke is definitely, definitely getting turned on.

“Ah, hah...! _Fuck_ , Nagito...!”

“Yasuke.” He ruts against Yasuke’s groin, and the very heat of it makes him feel dizzy. “Yasuke, I want to suck you off.”

Yasuke swallows, but he says nothing as Nagito kisses down his jaw. His neck. And then, Nagito practically ducks under the covers. He kisses down his flat stomach, and then tugs his boxers down hi thighs. Yasuke groans as his cock springs out.

Nagito wonders, idly, if Yasuke can feel his smile against the length.

_Yasuke. Yasuke. This cock is Yasuke’s._

He runs his tongue against it. The taste is strange. It’s skin. A little bitter. A lot bitter, when he sips at the budding precum leaking from the tip. But...

_It’s Yasuke._

Yasuke, who is moaning softly, almost tentatively. Almost shyly. It’s cute. Really cute.

_I want to see more of Yasuke’s cute side._

With that in mind, he takes Yasuke’s cock into his mouth without a second thought.

Yasuke’s fingers tangle into his hair as he lets out a sharp gasp. Nagito blinks up at him intently, taking in the way Yasuke’s features twist and the way that flush on his face darkens.

Yasuke’s cock is heavy and thick, so he has to be careful as he sucks so that he doesn’t choke. The smell of arousal is thick and heavy, too, and it’s a little dizzying. But it’s not nearly as dizzying as the way Yasuke curses and groans, and the surprisingly careful way Yasuke’s fingers stroke through his hair.

“Nagito... Nagito...”

_That’s right. Look at me._

He really is indulgent. Disgustingly so. He could get off just by a needy gaze. But, the idea that he could make Yasuke feel this good with his _own_ actions...

_For someone like me, it certainly is incredible...! So please, keep looking at me!_

“Nagito...” Yasuke tucks his hair back. “Hey, don’t... Don’t push yourself...”

His mouth was going to be sore. But that’s okay. As long as he can make Yasuke feel good.

And then, his teeth graze against Yasuke’s length. Earning a flinch. Earning Nagito to immediately pull off in a panic.

“A-Ah...!” Just like that, everything went wrong. “I-I’m sorry! I’m sorry, Yasuke, I...!”

Yasuke covered his mouth with a hiss.

“It’s not. A big fucking deal. Felt a little good, actually.”

Nagito blinks at him owlishly. Yasuke bit his tongue.

“Okay it felt really fucking good. S-So I’m a bit of a pain freak?! What the hell of it?!”

Nagito licked his hand, making Yasuke yank it away with a slur of curses.

“Oi, what even the fucking hell?! Are you five?!”

“Well, it’s just...” Nagito touched his lips, noting they were swollen, but tingling. Needy. “If you enjoyed it, then, I want to keep sucking you off, Yasuke.”

Yasuke makes a face, and it’s like he realizes something.

“Oh, fuck.” He grips himself, squeezing. “Fuck, Nagito, I...”

“Yasuke,” Nagito said. “I want to.”

Yasuke shivered, and swallowed, and then, his fingers cup his skull, and lead him back to his cock.

“...I’ll return the favor afterwards.”

Nagito’s breath catches briefly.

“I-If you’ll have me, Yasuke.”

With that, he takes Yasuke back into his mouth. Takes him in deep. Wraps his hand around what he can’t fit and pumps. Yasuke’s hips roll and he’s careful to try and match the motions. He still doesn’t want to choke, after all.

It’s getting stronger. More intense.

He fondles the sac, stroking his thumb over the swell. Yasuke keens and it’s a sound he wants to keep forever.

_If I could, I’d imprint these sensations on my very soul. I don’t ever want to forget._

He mustn’t think such things now. He wants, no, needs to make Yasuke come.

“N-Nagito...!”

He sucks hard, tongue moving desperately and greedily along Yasuke’s cock. Yasuke’s slurring out curses, Yasuke is gripping his hair. It tingles. It burns a little, but not as much as when Yasuke fucked him. Even so.

_I want Yasuke to fuck me again. I want to fuck him. I want, I want...!_

He squeezes Yasuke briefly, and Yasuke yelps, and then, just like that, Yasuke gasps out his name as he comes. It’s sudden, it’s fast. It hurts. He has to pull off before he chokes.

And it gets...all over his face. In his eyes, too.

_Aha. Wow. That stings._

He swallows what little he got in his mouth and wipes off the splatters across his cheek to suck them off his fingers.

_It’s really, really bitter, too. Disgustingly bitter. But this is Yasuke’s essence, so..._

So he can’t help but want to swallow as much of it as possible.

“Oh, fuck.” Yasuke exhales and then, he begins to wipe Nagito’s face clean with tissue. “Shit. Sorry about that. You weren’t seriously thinking you’d get it all in your mouth, did you?”

Nagito moans a bit helplessly.

_Ah... It..._

He shudders as Yasuke licks his cheek. And immediately blanches.

“Ew. Fuck. Wow. That’s fucking gross. Okay. Okay. Stop eating that.”

He slips out of bed, wobbling a bit.

“I’m, uh, gonna get a wet towel to more properly wipe your face off. One sec.”

“Mm...”

He watches Yasuke go, and he stares until Yasuke comes back with the towel. Yasuke wastes no time in thoroughly cleaning off his face, sighing as he does.

“You have...low impulse control. I should’ve expected something like this would happen. Christ. What the actual hell am I doing...? I should’ve just...” He stops himself, looks at Nagito with a pained look that Nagito doesn’t understand, and then his gaze softens as he cups Nagito’s cheeks and presses his forehead to his. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know what for,” Nagito said. “But I think whatever it is, I forgive you, Yasuke.”

Yasuke snorted.

“Yeah. That’s...just how you are. The real question is if it’s really a result of compassion or just... You having the self-image of trash.”

“I’m definitely trash!”

“Oh please. I’m way more of a trash person than you are.” Yasuke pinches his cheeks as he protests. “At least you’ve got that innocence in addition to good intentions.”

_Innocence..._

“Yasuke... I would’ve sucked you off while you were sleeping,” he found himself saying. “I’m not...that innocent.”

“I didn’t say you were innocent-minded.” Yasuke rolls his eyes, and then, setting the towel aside, he rolls Nagito onto his back. “Speaking of which.”

Nagito would’ve said something, but all that came out was a whine when Yasuke’s hand cupped his groin and stroked through his shorts, earning a shudder going up his spine.

“A-Ah...! Yasuke...!”

“You really are lucky,” Yasuke murmured into his ear. “I’m actually pretty decently experienced in this kind of thing. So, just...” He tugs down Nagito’s shorts. “Lay back. Relax. Oh, and maybe...”

Yasuke’s elegant, practiced fingers slip past his drooling lips. Immediately, Nagito sucks and laves them with his tongue. Yasuke hummed, stroking along the base of his cock. Nagito moans around his fingers.

“...yeah. Dammit. I’m not going to be able to resist.”

Nagito’s eyes flickered to meet his gaze, said eyes wide and teary from the sensations.

“Then...” Nagito sucks in his breath, and wraps his tongue around his fingers. “D-Don’t.”

Yasuke’s gaze was dark and hooded. He slips his fingers out, earning a whine. But then Nagito’s pulse jumped when those damp fingertips pressed against his entrance once more.

“Alright,” Yasuke said lowly. “I won’t.”

* * *

Just like before, Yasuke left him a mess of his own fluids. Just like before, Yasuke wiped him clean and stripped the dirty blankets away to wash. At the very least, Nagito was conscious this time, albeit drifting.

“Mmm...”

Yasuke took him into his arms, and he sighed happily, nuzzling against him.

“Yasuke...”

Yasuke strokes his hair, sighing quietly.

“Fuck it,” Yasuke mutters and squeezes him. “I’ll just fucking dive face-first into hell. What the hell ever.”

“Yasuke’s too good for hell,” Nagito hums. “Yasuke... Yasuke is heavenly.”

“...” Yasuke made a funny sound. Yasuke inhaled. Exhaled. “I think I threw up in my mouth a little.”

“Oh, no!” Nagito gasped. “I’m sorry! That really was disgustingly cheesy, wasn’t it! I mean, I definitely meant it, but still...” He whines. “Uu...”

“It’s...fine. It’s perfectly fine,” Yasuke says in a manner that one wouldn’t call fine at all. “I... I’m just thinking. Someone has to do that around here. You can’t be trusted with that faulty head of yours.”

“I think Yasuke worries too much about me,” Nagito said. “Even if I’m sick, I’m not so helpless.”

“No...” Yasuke rubs his back. “But you are pretty vulnerable.”

“Yasuke’s vulnerable, too,” Nagito pointed out.

For a while, Yasuke was quiet. All that said, Yasuke held him closely and securely.

“...you should sleep, Nagito.”

“Mm...” He was feeling rather tired, so... “Okay.”

He slept very well in Yasuke’s arms, with all that said and done.

* * *

“...because, above all else, I really am happy that I can just be with Yasuke.”

“I see.”

“Is that wrong of me?”

“It’s not wrong at all to be happy that you’re with the person you love.”

He wants to smile at that, but he only feels more uneasy.

“Komaeda-kun...” The way his name said is so careful and patient that it unnerves him even more. “Would you say that you feel underserving of happiness?”

“I...” He hesitates. “If it weren’t for me, a lot of people would be happier. I’m certain of that.”

“Do you believe this includes Matsuda-kun?”

He thought about it.

_Does it...?_

* * *

After that wonderful night, things between him and Yasuke had been strangely uneasy. Yasuke was more affectionate, yes, but there were times Yasuke seemed to be far away. Distant.

Nagito would squeeze his hand to pull him back. And it would work. But only slightly. Only a little. Yasuke would look at him, his gaze softening, and he would kiss him gently. But it would not be long before Yasuke was spacing out again.

Yes. It definitely hurt.

_Sex is supposed to bring people together, right?_

They did still fool around on some nights. But it was a lot like stress relief, and it wasn’t very often that they went all the way, with Yasuke rutting inside of him. But, Nagito reasoned, that just made those moments extra special.

Certainly, they felt extra special when they did happen.

But... _But_...

* * *

He was tired. So very, very tired. Tired enough that he might just fall asleep as Kamukura Izuru checks his brainwaves. He’s tempted to do just that. Kamukura Izuru doesn’t really need him to be awake, right?

Right... It’s not like he talked to him or any—

“Komaeda Nagito.”

Ah. Of course.

“You seem to have been considerably stressed as of late,” Kamukura Izuru says in that cold, clinical tone he’s used to. Idly, he wonders if there would be more warmth in an automated voice. “Matsuda-san, as well.”

_Oh. He’s just worried about Yasuke. Well, that makes sense._

“We’re together,” Nagito tells him. “You know that, right, Kamukura-kun?”

“Matsuda-san told me.” Of course he did. “Though I do not recommend this companionship at all, it would be folly to dismiss the feelings between the two of you. And Matsuda-san cannot bring himself to leave you alone. It truly is troubling.”

Nagito blinks at him.

_Somehow, it’s like Kamukura-kun’s voice strips every bit of possible warmth. That’s an impressive level of coldness._

And then, Kamukura Izuru draws near. He freezes up, shrinking under that cold, piercing crimson gaze. That gaze narrows, ice wedges further into Nagito’s very being, and then Kamukura Izuru slips a card into his hand. A card with a smiling white rabbit on it, waving cheerfully at him. The name Gekkogahara Miaya is printed on it, along with her degree (MD), occupation (therapist), and means of contact.

“...oh. Gekkogahara-sensei.” He remembered her. From Hope’s Peak. “How is she?”

“Ask her that yourself.” It wasn’t a snap with how low and flat the tone was. But it still felt like one. “I came across her recently. She asked how Matsuda-san was and gave me her card. I have already told Matsuda-san that he should see her, at least... But that will be a worthless endeavor if you are not dealt with as well.”

_Dealt with, huh._

Kamukura Izuru really does know how to treat him like the pest he is. And yet it feels more unpleasant than deserved. Perhaps it was one of Kamukura Izuru’s many talents.

“So you want me to see Gekkogahara-sensei as well?” he asks. “Well, if it’s for Yasuke’s sake, then alright.”

“It would benefit you as well,” Kamukura Izuru said. “Which would, in turn, benefit Matsuda-san even more.”

_Aha... Kamukura-kun and I have some unpleasant similarities..._

“You’re such a good friend, Kamukura-kun,” he chirped. “That’s a wonderful thing.”

_Although... I..._

“There is nothing more to say to you,” Kamukura Izuru said. “You continue to face the risk of going into remission. Research is progressing at a steady rate, but it will likely not be enough. Still, the deterioration of your frontal lobe has been impeded with the surgery. Matsuda-san was right to transfer you into my care, objectively speaking.”

“I guess I owe you quite a bit.” Nagito’s smile twitched. “Then, I’ll take extra good care of Yasuke.”

Kamukura Izuru’s stare continues to bore into him.

“If you do not, you will regret it. I will make that certain.”

* * *

_...and I really don’t doubt that certainty._

In this largely uncertain world, he couldn’t help but cling to every single certainty out there.

The certainty that he loved Matsuda Yasuke. The certainty that he was undeserving of the love that Matsuda Yasuke gave him in return. The certainty that, yes, their relationship...wasn’t the most ideal, but...

_Yasuke still..._

“Yasuke really is vulnerable,” he said softly. “Maybe...he’s just codependent.”

Gekkogahara hums thoughtfully.

“...Matsuda-kun cares for you. That much is certain.”

_Certain..._

He wraps his arms around himself.

“It’s terrible of me, isn’t it... It’s terrible to bask in Yasuke’s affection and neediness just because I’m lonely and I love him.” His shoulders tremble. “And it’s terrible to be satisfied with that, too.”

_I just think, if she hadn’t died, none of this would’ve happened. I really, really am lucky. So very, very lucky._

“It is not terrible to love and to desire love in return,” Gekkogahara said. “However, your vulnerabilities and Matsuda-kun’s vulnerabilities do indeed seem to be manifesting in unhealthy ways. That said, that you two both agreed to see me is a step in the right direction.”

Nagito ducks his head.

“Komaeda-kun, we’ll work through this. You and Matsuda-kun will get through this. I have faith in both of you.”

Certainly, faith was a nice sentiment.

But faith wasn’t the same thing as certainty.

“...thank you, sensei.”

* * *

Yasuke snapped up once he walked out.

“Nagito.”

“Yasuke,” he returned playfully. “Gekkogahara-sensei’s going to be out of town so our next appointment won’t be for a while.”

“Yeah, I heard.” Yasuke tugs at his shirt collar. Idly, Nagito wonders if he’s self-conscious about the marks on his neck. “It is what it is. If you’re done, we’re going home. I’m starving. Let’s order pizza.”

Nagito giggles, nodding and stepping forward to latch onto his arm.

“Mm, kay. Whatever you want, Yasuke.”

_Even if what you want is someone as worthless as me._

* * *

He knows this kind of relationship isn’t what Matsuda Yasuke deserves. Yasuke deserved someone stable, someone reliable, someone who wasn’t broken. Like Kamukura Izuru, maybe.

Bitterly, he sometimes wondered if there was something there. But he could never bring himself to ask Yasuke, much less Kamukura Izuru himself. Truth be told, he’s a little afraid of what he’ll hear.

He really is as contradictory as he is completely...worthless.

_But..._

“Yasuke.”

The two of them are cuddling on the couch, watching some nonsense movie that neither of them are terribly impressed with. Yasuke perks, still chewing on a mouthful of pizza.

“You know,” Nagito says, eyes blank, face illuminated by the light given off by the television screen. “I really do love you. From the bottom of my heart. It might be...one of my few good traits.”

Yasuke blinks and swallows the last bite of pizza.

“That’s not true. Loving me is definitely a burden. You deserve way better.”

“That Yasuke is so brilliant and yet says something so wrong really is incredible.”

“Oi, oi.” Yasuke huffs. And then, he sighs. “We’re both pretty messed up people. But I’m not the one with an actual severe medical condition. And, y’know, in spite of that... You’re a guy who tries to smile and give even when the world’s taken so much.” A pause. “I...admire you a little for that, Nagito.”

Nagito stares at him and then, he lowers his gaze.

“Because... If I give it away, the world won’t take it away.”

_Between us, there’s a lot of give and take. So much give and take. Selfishness. Selflessness. Between us, they blur together like misery and euphoria. Supposed opposites shift so easily. Like flipping a coin._

“But I... I want to keep Yasuke with me. Because Yasuke...makes me happy... And I can...be useful to him...” He swallows. “Even if it’s just watching this really boring movie with him.”

“...it is pretty fucking boring, huh?” Yasuke asks dryly, glancing at the screen warily. “I don’t think anything important has happened for forty minutes now.”

“...yeah. It’s bad.”

On impulse, Nagito’s gaze flickers to Yasuke’s lips. Another swallow, and then he leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

“There was grease,” he murmurs against him when Yasuke’s eyes met his own. Yasuke’s long, beautiful lashes lowered, and Nagito’s own eyes fell shut as Yasuke kissed him deeply. He hears the movie go abruptly silent. Yasuke must have muted it.

For now, he couldn’t care about that as Yasuke’s lips moved against his own, their breaths mingling. And before he knows it, he’s the one pinning Yasuke down to the couch cushions.

“Ah... Yasuke...”

Yasuke is panting, looking up at him with a half-lidded, lusty gaze.

 _We need to do better than this._ He can already imagine both Gekkogahara and Kamukura Izuru looking down on him for this. _We need to do better. But... But..._

“Nagito...” Yasuke touches his cheek. “Hey... Is something up? Do you wanna take this to the bed, or...?”

“...”

Nagito lowered himself until he was flushed against Yasuke’s chest, cheek against his heartbeat.

“I really, really love you. It’s one of the few things I can say with certainty.”

“Huh...?”

A pause. And then, Yasuke began to play idly with his hair. It occurs to him, then, that Yasuke seems to touch his hair for reasons that go beyond just showing affection.

“...for what it’s worth, I love you, too, Nagito.”

_Ah._

Nagito squeezed his eyes shut. They began to sting.

“Oh, Nagito.”

Yasuke ruffles his hair, and then, Yasuke pushes himself up, hoisting Nagito into his arms.

“Alright. Let’s go to bed.”


End file.
